A Fine Mingling
by thosedarndursleys
Summary: Even amid the chaos, Remus and Tonks seem to have finally gotten things right. That is, until a little secret makes himself known.
1. A Fine Mingling

A Fine Mingling

_"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."_

_-Henry Ellis_

Remus opened the door to his flat, listening for evidence of his wife in the silent rooms. Between retrieving Harry, losing Mad Eye, and taking care of the body, the past few hours had been eternal. Remus had been relieved to hear that Tonks had gone home nearly an hour earlier. He had hoped to find her in bed, erasing the night's memories with sleep's blissful oblivion, but he knew his wife. He knew she would be as awake as ever, awaiting his return.

The sound of slippers on the carpet confirmed his suspicion. Remus couldn't help the selfish relief that flooded him when he realized he wasn't alone.

"Sweetheart?" he called, slipping into the easy affection that they shared in private.

"Over here, love." Remus watched Tonks round the corner, his heart breaking. She looked miserable, her body quaking; her eyes red.

He sighed and beckoned her closer. "Come here, love."

He opened his arms and received a chest-ful of her small frame. He felt her break into sobs beneath his chin.

"Shhh, you're okay," he whispered, lifting her from the floor and seating them both on the couch. "We'll be okay." He buried his face in her hair and prayed for a peace that he knew wouldn't come. "You're okay; We'll be okay." It became a mantra, losing its meaning with each repetition.

Tonks's sobs increased, racking both her and Remus' bodies.

"Shhh." Remus tightened his embrace. This wasn't normal. Even when they lost Sirius, Tonks hadn't been this bad.

Remus knew he was missing something, but was at a loss to figure out what. He settled for kissing the top of her head and picking up a new mantra.

He couldn't promise anything else, so he clung to what he could.

"I've got you. I've got you."

— — — — —

Tonks awoke to the lurching of her stomach. She propped herself on an elbow, gulping air in hopes that the nausea would subside.

As the sickness receded, Tonks lowered herself to the mattress, taking inventory of the room—the curtains were drawn, the door was closed, Remus lay sleeping beside her. Everything was in its place, but she couldn't remember any of it.

She immediately regretted searching her memories. The chaos of the previous evening unfolded in her mind like a photo album: the attack, George's accident, Moody's death. Her stomach jolted with another bout of nausea.

And then there was that little bugger.

Tonks was out of bed before she could give it a second thought. Her knees hit the tile just in time for her body to lose control. The heaves were intense and violent, ripping wordless exclamations from her throat. She lost track of the minutes since she had collapsed, didn't know how long she had been clutching the porcelain in front of her. Her mind was divided between the bodily torment and her awareness of the situation. The retching had removed any doubt, but it hadn't removed the complications.

_I can't tell Remus. I can't tell Remus. I can't tell Remus._

Yet another mantra, but this one didn't lose its meaning. Even as she was coaxed from the floor with warm hands and soft assurances, the message rang loud and clear. She did not correct his assumption that she was in shock. She did not stop him from slipping to the kitchen to find a calming drought. Tonks simply lay in the quiet, phantom movements in her stomach and dread in her throat.

— — — — —

"Love, stay in bed. You need to rest."

Remus could hear the exasperation in his own voice. Not two hours earlier, Tonks had been near-delirious, lying on the bathroom floor. He knew the last day or so had been hard on her, but he hadn't expected such drastic repercussions. After the emotional night and the sickly morning, Remus was concerned, and Tonks was stubborn.

"Remus, I'm fine." Her jaw was set as she made her way to the wardrobe. "The potion did its job. Relax, will you?" She gave him a playful jab as she walked past, but he took hold of her wrist before she could get too far away.

"Nymphadora," he started.

"_Don't_ call me that." The glare was real this time. Remus knew that she was truly getting irritated, but she wasn't the only one.

"Love," he began again. "You have the day off. _Please_ just rest." He pulled the best face he could, but knew it was fruitless. He felt her hands intertwine behind his neck.

"I'm going to rest," she smiled, "in the kitchen, with you, while we make tea." She kissed him lightly before letting her hands fall. "Now please let me get dressed first."

Remus sat back in defeat as he watched her make her way to the opposite side of the room. She paused to look in the mirror, her brow creasing in thought.

"Everything alright, dear?" he asked, studying her hands as they pulled at her night shirt.

Tonks jerked back, forcibly returning from her musings.

"Yeah." Her gaze lingered on the reflection before meeting his. "I'm fine."

Remus pushed his curiosity to the back of his mind, seeing no choice but to believe her.

— — — — —

Tonks sat on the sofa, biting her lip. Remus would be back any minute. She had to tell him.

_But how?_

A pang hit her stomach and she took a deep breath. It had only been a day and a half since the nausea had been too much to bear, but it was getting better. She was now able to fight it off, recognizing both the warning signs and her triggers.

But this anxiety was _not_ helping.

She counted the ticks of the clock, begging the repetition to ease her pumping heart. It would be okay. Remus had been great the past few days—he had been great the past few _months_. Plus, this is what she had wanted: a life with her husband, a family.

A smile took over her face as she pictured a tiny Remus running around the house. She could see him sitting on Remus' lap while he read or sneaking biscuits from the counter. She imagined goodnight kisses and morning hugs. She thought about first steps and trips to Hogwarts. For the first time in days, Tonks smiled without trepidation.

This was a good thing. This was a _wonderful _thing, and they could do it.

The front door opened and she allowed herself another smile as she stood to greet her husband.

"It's nice to see you happy," he said as he placed the grocery bags on the floor. He crossed the room, causing Tonks to grin even as he stooped to kiss her. "What's got you so pleased?"

Tonks looked into his eyes, her courage growing.

"I have something to tell you."

"Yeah?" He cocked his head. Tonks felt the same old butterflies.

"I'm pregnant."

_Bluntness is a virtue, right?_

Remus' smile fell.

"What?"

_Maybe not._

"We're going to have a baby." Tonks searched his face; her stomach clenched.

Remus shook his head, his lips pursed. Tonks watched him take a step back.

Just before he walked out the door.

* * *

**A/N: **Thank you so much for taking the time to read this! This is a work in progress, so I'm hoping to get the second (and final) chapter up sometime in the near future. If you're able, please leave a review or shoot me a PM to let me know what I can work on to improve my future writing :)

**A/N #2: **On a more official note, this was written for Round 3 of the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition. As Captain of the Caerphilly Catapults, I had to write about one member of my OTP (Remus and Tonks, baby!) keeping something from the other. For judging purposes, the word count for this story is 1,190.


	2. The Real Tragedy

**A/N: **This story is a continuation of "A Fine Mingling," but can be read as a stand alone. For the purposes of the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition, this is a stand alone story for Round 4. All of the official details are in the ending authors note.

* * *

A Fine Mingling, Chapter 2: The Real Tragedy

_"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light."_

_-Plato_

Remus Lupin had never felt this way before.

Yes, it was reminiscent of the time he had learned of Sirius' botched prank on Snape.

Yes, it had the same intensity as the day he had punched a hole in the wall of his flat after watching Harry lose his godfather.

Yes, it thrummed through his mind in the same way as the moment he had seen Bill after the attack.

But this was different.

He couldn't focus this on another person. He couldn't blame someone else for the tension in his shoulders or for his clenching jaw. He couldn't unload his adrenaline-filled mind on some sick, ill-doing soul.

No, this was all on him.

He crashed through the door of the Leaky Cauldron, feeling a burst of cool air but too preoccupied to relish in it. He found a corner table and ordered a drink, draining his tumbler as soon as it was delivered. He ignored the raised eyebrow from Tom and accepted the refill before watching him walk away.

Tension spiked in the base of his skull and he let out a growl as he clawed at his head. He drained the second drink.

And a third.

And a fourth.

Remus' mind began to drift as he swirled the contents in his glass.

A baby.

He closed his eyes.

His baby.

_Shit. _

How in Merlin's name had he managed to ruin the one good thing in his life?

Remus slammed his tumbler on the table after finishing his fifth and final drink. He mindlessly left some galleons beside it before wandering out to the summer night. The air was thick, stifling.

Just like what was suffocating him from the inside.

Remus forced himself through his front door several hours after he had left. He prayed Tonks had already gone to bed. He didn't want her to become his outlet.

— — — — —

The following days in the Lupin household were the worst yet. Remus was still lost within himself, leaving early in the mornings and coming back late.

Tonks, on the other hand, had seemed to take a different approach.

Even from what little Remus saw of her, he could see that she was absolutely beaming. He had never seen her so happy.

Remus hated it.

And for that, he hated himself.

Remus stayed away from his wife during the times he had to be home. He had been relieved to be invited to the Burrow for Harry's birthday dinner. It would give him a safe ground to lose himself in the surrounding conversation, rather than his own mind.

The Minister's arrival at the Burrow had ruined that.

And so Remus found himself in his current position.

He was leaning against the kitchen counter, his back to his pregnant wife. His jaw was clenched. His stomach was filled with more stifling air.

"Remus, if you would just—" Tonks' voice was pleading. It hit Remus like a blade.

"NO, Tonks!" He turned to look at her. His eyes were wide. His arm ached with the childish impulse to smash something. "I can't _just_ do anything! I've already done enough, don't you think?"

"Remus, you haven't done anything wrong." Tonks approached to cup his face in her hands, but Remus wouldn't allow it. He side-stepped toward the sitting room.

"Haven't done anything wrong? Nymphadora, I've damned our child!"

"Don't—" Tonks stopped short and Remus watched her swallow the reflexive retort. "You don't know that."

"Of course I bloody well know that!" Remus slammed his hand against the table. "I'm—"

"I know what you are!" Tonks screamed. "I know that you're a werewolf and that you're scared and that you're the type of person who blames himself for every bad thing that's ever happened in the world, but do you know what else you are, Remus?" Tonks stopped. When she spoke again, her voice was quiet. "You're my _husband_. You're the father of our child. Why isn't that good enough for you?"

"Don't you get it?" Remus took a step toward her, his arms gesticulating wildly. He opened his mouth to speak again, but cut himself short as he watched his wife flinch. The pressure within him built and he walked to the door. "I have to go."

"Remus, no! Don't just—"

But it was too late. He was already gone.

— — — — —

Remus and Tonks apparated straight to the Tonks residence after cleaning things up at the Burrow. It had been a long night. Even after all of their work, the Weasley home was still trashed, but Molly had assured them that it was alright. Everyone was safe—Harry, Ron, and Hermione had made it to Grimmauld Place. Everyone else was home.

It was a better outcome than he had even hoped for.

They stood in the yard for a few moments, listening to the silence. After everything that had happened over the past few days, the calm was staggering.

Remus welcomed the change. He had made his decision and this was as good a time as any to share it.

"Tonks," his voice assaulted the air around them. They both flinched. "I—"

Remus' words were lost in the commotion of Ted and Andromeda Tonks rushing to the yard to meet them.

They sat through the check-overs and answered the questions. The recapitulation took nearly an hour on its own. By the time the older couple was willing to accept that their daughter and her husband were alright, it was nearly dawn. With no words left to say, the four of them had slumped off to bed.

Tonks slept for most of the following day. Remus lay beside her, unable to relax. A weight had perched on his chest, making him gasp for air. Right then, under the quilt with her limp, brown hair splayed on the pillow, Tonks looked peaceful, and Remus knew, because of him, that it wouldn't last.

But his decision would fix that.

Remus extracted himself from the covers and secured the curtains to block out the midday sun. He wandered to the bathroom and into the shower, using the hot water to clear his mind; to develop his words.

When he snuck back into the room, Tonks was sitting up in bed.

"What time is it?"

"About three in the afternoon."

"Oh."

Remus cursed the awkwardness between them. It was yet more proof of the life he had ruined for the both of them. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine, Love." Tonks offered him a small smile. Her wary affection made Remus want to retch.

"Listen, Tonks." Remus fortified himself and moved to sit across from his wife. "I'm going to go help Harry."

Tonks blinked for a moment. Remus waited.

"What?"

"I'm going to help Harry." There was silence. _This is the right thing, _he assured himself. "He needs me."

Tonks' brow creased.

"Remus," her voice broke. "_I _need you. The baby needs you."

"No." His voice was sharp—sharper than he had intended. "The baby most definitely does not need me."

"You know what, Remus? Fine." Tonks got out bed before turning to round on Remus. "I'm too tired right now to argue about that, but that doesn't change the fact that _I need you here!_" Her voice was barely a whisper but it was loud enough to shake Remus to the core.

He stood up to kiss her forehead. It was the first affection he had shown in days and he was painfully aware of it.

He felt another stab of tension in his neck. His chest swelled with heat. His soul looked for an object to target, but he refused to choose the one in front of him.

"You'll be fine," he choked out as he turned toward the door.

"Remus!" Tonks was beside him, grabbing onto his arm. He shook off her grasp and kept walking. "Remus, don't do this." Her temper was wearing thin and Remus knew it.

"Goodbye, Love," he whispered as he crossed the threshold.

Tonks stayed one step behind him all the way to the edge of the property, yelling, cursing, pleading. Remus was aware that Ted and Andromeda had joined them at some point. As he turned on his heel, he saw Ted's sorrowful eyes, identical to those of his daughter, boring into him.

Then, with a loud crack, Remus Lupin was gone.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you for stopping by to read this! I really appreciate it :) If you have the time, please leave a review or send me a PM with any comments or criticisms, so I know how to improve my next story!

**A/N: **Ok, now for the official stuff. This was written for Round 4 of the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition. The objective for this round was to write about an emotion without saying what that emotion is. My emotion was **anger**. Also, the final word count for this story is 1,387.


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